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2/27/10 02:07 pm - I think..

I may have experienced my first  sleep paralysis episode. 

I was awake in bed and I remember hearing noises outside my window. I couldn't move but my eyes were wide open. I felt scared and something inside of me told me that I couldn't move. I saw flashing lights on the ceiling and they were blinking and they followed with some weird noises. My eyes were getting heavier and heavier as I struggled to keep them open. 

Then I woke up feeling extremely scared. This was maybe 2 or 3 hours after I fell asleep.... I was afraid of going back to sleep but 3 hours was not enough sleep. So I laid in bed until I fell asleep again. 

My dreams/nightmares are never influenced by things around me or what I watched 2 hours before sleep... they just seem to pop up whenever they want. I don't know.. maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. 

2/22/10 12:41 am - open your eyes

 I had another dream, this was last night but I'm only writing it tonight because I've been thinking about it so much. I seriously don't know what my dreams are telling me these days, but this one seemed clear and to the point. 

I was walking around my school, it was a little more futuristic looking than I last remembered it. I was heading towards one of my classes which was in a giant lecture hall. Before getting into class I wanted to use the bathroom. In the same room there was these small bathrooms fixed into the walls. The doors slid open like small closets and inside was the toilet. It was as small as a lavatory on an airplane and if you've been on one, you'd know it's small. There were three of these lined up along the back and they were pretty horrible and stinky. I decided to pass on using the bathroom until after class. I walked down the steps to find an empty seat. The only seat that seemed available was at the bottom left row and next to this random guy who I pretended to ignore. I sat down next to him putting my things down on the floor next to me. A warm hand graced my knee and I turned to bring the small moving table in front of me. The guy grabbed my hands and made me face him.

"Where do you get off doing shit like this?" he asked and was clearly upset. I was confused and my face clearly showed it.
"What do you mean?" I ask pulling my hands away but the more I pulled he did too. "Let me go," I stammer. 
"You're so cold. At first I thought you were just stuck up or a lesbian but you even ignore the girls in our class. You don't even look at anyone, like you can't see anyone at all," he kept  his warm hands over mine and I listened.
"I don't care about anyone here. I don't come to class expecting to make friends right away. I come to learn not throw a party," I so stubbornly state. I even begin to notice how right he is.
"Well, stop. Stop acting like people don't exist, like I don't exist. I look at you and you don't even see me," he let go of  my hand and I scooted back into my seat.

I don't even listen to what my teacher has to say. I ignore the lecture and I sit in my seat feeling shocked and amazed at the same time. The guy seated next to me gathered his things at the end of class and looked at me. I let my eyes travel up to his and he smiles a little. I see him for the first time the way he wants me to see him and yet I feel confused. He proceeds to exit the classroom and I slowly get up from my seat. I leave and lose sight of him.

I wake up in the morning feeling sad that I was for one, awake; and two, without him.  I'd choose nightmares about mass murder over this any day. 

2/3/10 04:58 pm - nightmare

This place was some kind of rehab center, something from a place I've seen irl. We walk around trying to calm ourselves. We find the cafeteria on the second floor (C) in the center of the building. It's an open area and there were just picnic tables all around. A woman came to us and told us to take a seat and eat something before we left. I didn't like how I felt in this place, maybe there was just too many people in one place for me. I sat down anyways and a plate was handed to me. On it was a chicken salad sandwich and some chips. I looked over at my friend and she smiled before digging in. I stared down at my food, hesitant to even lift the sandwich up. I eat some of it anyways and get up. I put my trash away and look up at the caged rooms all around. Bunk-beds lined all the way down and fenced in. It was more like jail than anything.  I look up at the floor above it, which is the third, and I see someone familiar. It was the guy who had been chasing us around. I quickly tugged on my friend's shirt and pointed up. She quietly whispered, "Oh shit" and we started running again. 

We headed towards the rooms and we are facing a dark empty corner where the emergency stairs should be. There's something there but I can't figure it out. I throw my cup of juice at them and it attacks me. It looks like a boy but he was covered in something white. He was screaming and threw me onto the ground and began to strangle me. I tried reaching all around to hit him with. I managed to grab an umbrella and I hit his head with it. He fell over and began to cry. My friend and I sat down on a bed and tried to keep as quiet as possible. 
"Maybe he doesn't know where we are. Maybe he thinks we're here but since we were in that sea of people.. he didn't spot us yet." 

I apologize to the boy who had attacked me but apparently he was deaf. A couple of other people stopped by and were there to keep us company. We were fine until night and of course more problems were headed our way. We heard screaming from the cafeteria. There was a group of people from one side of the room and they were killing everyone. We headed for the elevator (E) that coincidentally stopped in front of the exit. We were waiting as the elevator was slowly making its way up the building but before we could get on something hits us over the head and we are knocked out. 

We are now on the first floor, we are on our knees barely waking up. I looked at the man in front of us and he is surrounded by others. We were by some bunk beds and tables and he started yelling. Nothing seemed to make sense it was all gibberish. I turn around and see that on the fountain (F) in the middle of the pool were these strange creatures sitting on the statue. I look back at my friend who is being drug back by her hair and is bitten by one of those creatures. She is thrown back into the pool and she is screaming in pain. She takes out the gun strapped around her ankle and places it under her chin. She pulls the trigger and falls forward. The man that seemed to be like some kind of ring leader, laughed and said that nothing could kill us now. A group of other girls who had been bitten were thrown into the pool and whimpered sounding like puppies. They crawled onto the fountain and cried as water dripped off of their wet noses. 

A too was bitten and thrown into the pool (P) and I had been pulled onto the fountain after floating for a while. The roof of the second floor had been folded and tucked away and darkness filled the whole building. The only thing you could see was the full moon above us and it shimmered. I sit there holding onto the handkerchief in my pocket, the only thing to remind me that I'm human or was... and look around. There are piles of dead bodies everywhere, blood covered the floors and some of it even trailed into the pool. The youngest girls were forced into these tiny caged rooms without beds. I looked up at the man who had turned us into what we now wee and wondered what he was going to do. This room was some sort of electrocution (2) room, I lay down onto the cement and know that it will be over soon. At this very moment I knew that I was sleeping, I knew I was stuck in this dream and I just had to wake up and it would all go away. I struggled to get up and I could hear the tv in my room. I was in between being asleep and being awake. But I was drug back into sleep and I was laying back down on the ground. The man from my friend flipped the switch and all I could see was bright lights and the sound of the electricity. 

It wasn't over just yet. I woke up in my dream and we were alive. Of course now my clothes were gone and instead there were scrubs on the side. I look around asking the other girls if they knew what happened and they shrugged as they put on the scrubs given to them. I reach around for my handkerchief and keep it close. I walk out of the caged room and see that there a bunch of other people still alive but they were around those "werewolves" too. The "humans" were grabbing pieces of the dead and eating them happily. As if they didn't mind the fact that they were raw and still very much bloody. I stop in my tracks watching as the girls I just talked to morphed back into werewolves and then back into humans as they were still trying to figure out how to control it. I stand there and grab my stomach feeling this intense pain as I watched the others eat. I was apparently, hungry. 

I gasped out and woke up in bed. 

1/23/10 02:38 pm

 did i mention my asshole was sore for a while. /sobs 

1/23/10 02:34 pm - shiti4fi

 last night was boring. i didn't eat the whole day because i didn't feel like it and my throat was still sore and it still is now. my mom was in manila and i didn't feel like eating alone even if i was hungry. i took a nap and listened to my favorite swing and band radio station from my home town. luckily they air it online so at least something about this trip went right. 

as soon as my mother got home i headed towards the kitchen with her. she brought home pizza from greenwich, not that bad but this time it tasted like shit. i dont think i was really eating ham, it looked and tasted like toy ham. its consistency was like balogna but tasted nothing like it. but before I actually got to eating it my aunt came into the kitchen as well. she needed me to do another one of her daughters home work assignments. at this time i was irritated, hungry and had a sore throat. 

my mother was telling me to do her homework and at the same time yelling at me to eat. i was confused and the bitching had started. I yelled, "shit you're telling me to do two things at once. which is not even possible so make up your mind. why is it my responsibility to do someone else's homework? is this elementary school all over again? and why the hell doesn't she do it on her own and on fucking time, huh?" i stormed upstairs to do the homework assignment anyways. 

i had to search up massage therapy. what kind of shit is that. why do they waste their time researching pointless shit? sure if you want to be a massage therapist it makes sense but an out of the blue research project.. for a home economics class.. really? unless theyre preparing girls to become housewives. cooking, cleaning, child rearing, clothes repair, and cock sucking courses. sign up today! 
as soon as I got  done I was able to eat and yet again my mother felt the need to yell at me for letting the pizza get cold. fucking shit i swear sometimes i live with a bunch of mentally challenged assholes. i yell at her again, "well shit, guess who's homework i was doing last minute?" she got quiet. I ate my pizza and went to bed. 

if karma really exists then it got me. i had an awful stomach ache which could only be compared to bella and her demon child. i took some pepto and tried going back to sleep. then i tried using the restroom. i tried doing my business but then the small washer inside the bathroom went off. the soap and towels on top of it fell off as the machine began to violently shake. i thought a cat had gotten inside of it and was trying to get out. i freaked and well at least it scared the shit out of me. if karma really did get back at me doesn't that mean that i should've done my cousin's homework without getting the least bit mad that i had to do it and that my mother was bitching at me at the same time? it doesnt really make sense to me but as i write this down it sort of does. do i really have to get punished for every single thing i do? which brings up the saying, "every action as a consequence", seriously? does it really have to be that way? 

i just want to get back home. get that psp (thinking on the assassin's creed bundle) and sleep in my comfortable bed in silence. i even miss my dad's loud snoring. 

only 48 more hours. or less. 

1/21/10 06:40 pm - saved a fish pt2


1/21/10 06:37 pm - fishsss

my mother, cousin ame, and I went to the market for ice cream. when we were heading home we found a fish on the side of the street. to our amazement it was "breathing" and gasping in air. I bugged her to take it home to save it and she did. we ran all the way home, which was really close.

his name is tapia because he's a bebe tilapia.


1/19/10 01:41 pm

 fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 

My mom is going through the 9 boxes of stuff she had sent over to my grandpa's house. All of it is our stuff from home. My stuffed animals, clothes, everything. She also packed her things, pots and pans, china, christmas ornaments. I ask her what she plans on doing with all of this stuff. "To keep it here," she says. "Why?" I ask, "Why here?" She replies, "I don't have room in the states." I stare at her and snap, "Haven't you heard of storage? Why the hell is all of our stuff here?" I want to know but I have a bad feeling I already know. 

Kids here are so fucking rude. I swear to god, parents do not teach them manners. I have never wanted to harm a child before until now. I know that's horrible but it's frustrating to see kids running around touching your things with their grubby fucking hands. They touch MY things and take them thinking it's theirs. FUCK. My whole childhood is in these boxes and my mom wants to live here. Fine, if she wants to she can go ahead but I'm not fucking moving here. If anything I hate this country, I hate everything about it and I can't wait to leave. 

I swear each and every day I get just a little more angry. I want to strangle every person who laughs like an idiot and thinks it's a good idea for me to study here. 

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired of this place. 

1/17/10 11:51 am - no pictures oh baw

 Only 7 or 8 days left, horray. 

Nothing new, except that my cousin had a urinary tract infection last night.  She spent the night at the hospital so I had to take care of her sleeping bebe. Which was cool and all except that he tosses around violently in his sleep. It was only 5 or 6 in the morning where I got real sleep because my mom woke up and said I could sleep in her spot instead as she was getting breakfast ready. 

Aldwin woke up the same time I did and he kept trying to tickle me and didn't want me to go back to sleep. After a good 10 minutes of trying to get back to sleep, my grandpa walked in and suggested that he take Aldwin to his room to let me sleep. I did but then my mom and everyone else decided to make a lot of noise. 

The whole house went to the hospital to see my cousin and I didn't mind staying home. I went downstairs and it was amazing; silence. You know you're not the kind of person to have kids when you prefer silence over the sound of children screaming and crying all day. I took a shower and got something to eat. I brought my book thinking I'd be alone but my grandpa was 1 out of 4 people including myself in this big empty house. We had lunch together in silence and all was good. He even offered to do the dishes, which wasn't really an offer but more of a demand that he do them. I went back upstairs to listen to music, this Sunday is my second to last Sundays here. If everyday were like this Sunday, I wouldn't mind staying longer. But this house is always full of children, full of noise. So, I'm glad to be going back to California, where it's quiet where I live. 

The only thing is, if there were any reason I wanted to come here before Decemer 24th - it was my grandpa. And he's still the same reason why I'm going to miss this place. 

1/9/10 09:12 pm - on the road again

We're going to some random person's house which is like, 3-4 hours away just to say hi. Then we'll spend the same 3-4 hours driving back home.

I'm trying to download The Departed onto my ipod but since this net connection is slow it's going to take me 12 hours to download it. Shit balls.

I got a fat notebook to start jotting down ideas for my "book". I'm excited.  

1/7/10 08:51 pm

 At first, today was a really boring day. I woke up, took a shower, talked to dad and then slept for 30 minutes. There was nothing else to do. Everyone was at school or at work and the house was quiet (aside from my grandpa watching wowowee). My mom asked me if I wanted to go to the mall, I didn't really want to. I didn't want to be crammed into a small van for an hour and a half to go to the mall with a bookstore that only has 100 books. She asked Beverly if there was a bigger one and there was, we missed it the first time around. 

So we hopped into the small crammed van and arrived at the SM of .. something .. I forgot. I arrive at the booktore called "National" and ran around looking for anything. I about grabbed 10 books and could hardly carry them in my arms. I was excited, like a child at a candy store, a 40 year old at an adult shop; I wanted to buy them all. But my mom told me it was best if I only bought 5 because we weren't sure how much it would be converted into US money. The total came out to be almost 1,200 pisos, which is roughly $30 or $40. I had this long rant about how I didn't want to be a nurse but right now I could care less about it. I'll write it some other day. I also thought of some awesome ideas for books. I'm so stoked. Oh yeah.. I also had some pizza from Sbarro. Pineapple, pepperoni, ham and green shit, tasty.. except it was a bit weird since they didn't have sauce in it. I also like fruit salads now, maybe just the grape, condensed milk, and apple part of it. 

1) Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. I've been meaning to read this... kind of sad that I haven't yet. 
2) Rant by Chuck Palahniuk, oh god oh god oh god. The lady at Customer Service was like, 'We don't have anything by Palahniuk." and when I was looking for Stiff by Mary Roach, I found Rant .. and some books by Ayn Rand. 
3) When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris, heard of this guy before. 
4) Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami 
5) Dexter By Design by Jeff Lindsay. Palahniuk and Lindsay have got to be my favorite authors. I've read all 3 books by Lindsay and love them. His writing style is amazing. I had borrowed the hardcover from my school's library but never got around to really reading it. I'm glad I found it here. What was kind of amazing was finding a large paperback of all 3 books put together, but I have 2 of them already at home. I just.. lost the first one. I bet Hazl has it. The cunt. 
I was going to get Hunger Games but decided against it since it didn't seem all that interesting to me. Young Adult books make me sick now and the fact that SMeyer orgasm'd over it... I kind of didn't want to read it at all. I also came across this book called Hush, Hush and I read the back and it sounded an awful lot like Twilight. I put that shit down faster than you could say "Sparkly Dick". Stupid, naïve girl in high school falls in love with an immortal being. He stalks her, he knows everything about her and did I mention her life was in danger just knowing him? Disgusting. 


1/6/10 12:18 pm - AZN BEBE

1/5/10 11:24 pm - fofeiwjdoi

 Oh shit, I was so close to getting that PSP 3000 

Apparently, you need 3 kinds of identification over here to use a credit card. My mom refused and besides.. the US only issues one identification card. AZNS YOU BE SO SMAT 

I'm getting it at home, it's better that way. 

Also, we're going island hopping. ON A BOAT, GONNA BE SICK 

1/4/10 12:19 am - Weekend Trip

 We woke up at 3 AM and left the house at 4. I was super tired and Inglorious Basterds didn't even load all the way for me to get it onto my ipod. We picked one of my uncles and I thought it was going to be okay. Not until my other uncle Gani decided to join our van. My mom has some kind of magic touch when it comes to babies and Kate kept crying and would only shut up when she was cradled in my mother's arms. But anyways, being stuck in the same room with Tito Gani and the same van for 3 hours straight would kill me for sure. 

Picture time! 

My Aunt Evelyn couldn't join us, for what reason.. I really don't know. (Hey look, you can see me, right.. there.. in blue). 

We arrived at the Taal Volcano. Nothin real special. I mean... Its .. surrounded by water and fog. Pre-tty.. interesting, huh? Nope. 

Oh look, cousins.. and me.. a little.. 

AAAAAA OH GOD KATE, SHE'S THE FUCKING EPITOME OF BEBE AZN CUTENESS. Her parents.. however.. not really the epitome. of .. anything.. 

I'll tell you how the lodge was.. It was.. interesting. I didn't take any pictures because I spent the whole day/night sleeping. I didn't even have dinner. I just slept. The beds were nice, other than the fact that we had 16 beds (bunkbeds to be exact) but the mattresses were nice, the shower stalls.. very nice. I took my time showering knowing that this would be the cleanest shower I will ever get in the next 3 weeks. The layout of the room resembled a concentration camp. No, seriously... it did. I literally walked in and said, "Hey, this certainly.. doesn't look familiar. 

So after a night, we decided to get back onto the road and visit a couple of more spots. Some random bloke's house and er.. the zoo. 

My lolo, obviously looking pretty badass. 

Random bloke's house.. 


The photos taken at the zoo were taken by my mother. I had started my period and was really not in the mood to carry shit all around and it was hot. I was sweaty.. and uncomfortable seeing as my Tito Gani wouldn't leave my side... and went back to the lobby (with fans ohgod) and spent the 2 hours catching up on some reading (Survivor, Palahniuk). My grandpa was there so I wasn't completely lonely. No one quite understands that I get irritable when I'm around a lot of people. 31 people, that's a lot and not even half of the family. I get real annoyed easily when people keep saying, "Hey Step, look at this. Oh do you know what a snake is? Do you know what this animal is? Do they have fish in America? Step, r u hungary.. you want.. food? You eat now, ah?" I mean seriously.. what the fuck. I'm not a retard. I go to school for a reason. Stop treating me like a 4 year old. I mean, I'm fine with a group of like.. 3, an intimate group but .. I dont like groups of 10... bothering me and yelling and god.. filipinos are so annoying. I really don't feel like I belong in it. I hate almost everything about them. 

I also realized.. it's difficult for me to let anyone near me. Not only towards strangers but.. with family now. IDK, I think the only person who would understand would be Ren. She knows especially how difficult it is for me to let people in. 

Ugh, I'm tired.. and I think I might watch Inglorious Basterds again. 

1/3/10 10:45 pm - dear tito

stop asking me if i want to go get fast food, i find this rather insulting
i don't have the gigantic appitite you might think i have

ask me if i want to go to the bookstore
fuckin' gamestop
a library
maybe I'll stop being a dick to you 
just stop trying to hug me, or grab my arm, or put your arm around me 

seriously now..  

1/2/10 03:08 am - fff


1/1/10 10:10 pm - follow these rules

Rules of Neetcher:

1. You don't touch Neetcher
2. You don't. Fucking. Touch. Neetcher 

If you can follow these simple rules, I'm pretty sure that I won't act like a dick towards you. But I'm positive you'll find another reason for me to backhand you.

I get the feeling that my cousin doesn't like the way I act around her dad. Not my fault. Shit. He keeps touching me. I DON'T LIKE BEING TOUCHED.


1/1/10 10:06 pm - we're organizing our trip last minute

but since it's my aunt, she's doing a great job

We're going to some volcano in Taal, Philippines. Not the one that's about to errupt but the dead one ... I think. Anyways, I'm in the first van with my lolo, mom, aunt and some cousins. So basically, we're renting these huge ass vans (3 to be exact) and we have 31 adults to pack into them with the side of 6 or 7 kids. Each van has food in it, and since I'm in the lead group, we have breakfast. It's going to be a 3 hour drive, I think? I have no problem with it but we're leaving so fuckin' early. I need to load as much shit onto my ipod for the drive. AAAAUHHHHHGGGHH. 

At least it'll be cold where we're going. It'll almost.. be like home?

HEY, no one gets my dick jokes around here.

Tita Lita: We'll prepare 3 extra sausages for you, because you're special. 
Me: (wtf.. are you calling me fat again) Uh, no thanks Tita... I'll just have coffee. (I'm sure you secretly want them yourself, you fatfuck) 
Tita: But that's hardly breakfast at all! 
Me: (WH) WHO WANTS MY SAUSAGES THEN.... (I dont fuckn' want them, shit) 

1/1/10 04:19 pm - Day 0 - 7 Photos

 Hmm, I forgot to take photos during the flight. I was distracted by the huge ass screen in front of me and ... other things like sleep. 16 hours and I probably got a total of 2 hours but it was scattered. Maybe 5 minutes every other 20 minutes. IDK. I had to teach myself how to sleep sitting up. What an accomplishment. 

I did manage to take a photo of this muffin I had? Eh, Sara Lee. 

Look it's my fatfuck godson 

My tito Gani, idk man 

My Lolo being a creeper in front of the house at night. 

My tito Gani's daughter, Kate(youngest cousin) . She's the cutest thing ever. Srsly. 

My cousin Beverly and her kid. Aldwin I think.. lol, he's cute too. 

Left top to right: Uncle (Tita Lita's Husband, idk his name), Tita Apin (Tito Gani's wife, srsly how did they create that cute baby? It's mindblowing. Must be a mindfuck), My Tita Evelyn (related), Lolo (lmao, he's awesome), my Tito Gani, and his kids (idk first one, bottom left Joni and Kyle). 

Red is the lucky color this year? 


1/1/10 01:02 am - I don't even..

I am a worthless piece of shit. 

I might puke, god why am I thinking about this. 

side note: if someone else comments me on my appearance and not being a goddamn aneorexic I will fucking fix some faces.
American style. 

12/31/09 02:35 pm - man ohm

 fuck this shit 

i'm tired of this country 

I want to go back home 

12/29/09 09:25 am



12/27/09 09:16 pm

my relatives are fucking rude 

I'm tired. It's only the second day and we've been running around the whole city. I've mano-po'd so many people in one day. I've touched more hands than I would in one year in the last 24 hours. 

If you don't know, 'mano-po' is to give respect to your elders. You take the back of their hand and put it to your forehead. It's really awkward when you've been sweating the whole day and the last thing you want to do is introduce your sweaty forehead to your great lola. 

Seriously now. My arms feel like they're going to fall off. It's from lifting all of those luggages. Damn. There's a plus though.. I'm getting a PSP. 

12/26/09 10:22 pm

Well, I made it! I feel all hot and weird because of the humidity.

I have the whole first day written out in a story form but it's kind of on my laptop
and I'm sort of using someone else's.

I hate this time zone difference. As if the regular 2-3 hour difference in the states was a pain, this is worse. A whole 16-18 hour difference. I miss you guys.

I miss my bed, cold weather, mosquito free house, my dad, water oh god water. I miss you so much. I want clean water that doesn't taste like ass. I want it cold too. iofjoefd

When I first got to call my dad via skype, he told me he came back from the hospital. Apparently what we thought was swine flu was actually pnuemonia.

brb, gonna pee and find out why my cousins are being such dicks..

12/24/09 02:46 pm - AAAAAAAAAA




12/19/09 09:03 pm - internet access

I'll have to buy an internet router while I'm overseas. According to my cousin it's fast and it'll be good for me to use. I really hope it'll work wirelessly.

10/14/09 12:00 am - first post

fuck yeah
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